I can't
by Adelia-hp
Summary: This is an OS RemusCissa: She will marry Lucius Malefoy, he must let her go... Thanks to Nichan1 for the correction!


Hello everybody! I'm french and this is my first fic in english. Thank you very much to Ni-chan1, who read and corrected all the mistakes in it!

_This is a romance/drama fic, in marauders'time, with Narcissa and Remus! Hope you like it!_

**I CAN'T**

I'm running. I'm running without stopping. My tears are blurring my vision, while my legs are threatening to collapse beneath me. My hair is clinging to my face. I bite my lips until they bleed to stop myself from falling apart. The pain slowly creeps inside my body but it's nothing compared to the suffering my soul is enduring.

I go upstairs and pass through the door, finally reaching a room, our room. I stop, I feel as if I'm suffocating. I'm loosing my breath partly because of the tears I'm trying so desperately to push back and partly because of my running.

I lean back against the wall and let myself fall roughly to the ground. My body is riddled with spasms as I give up and finally let my sobs burst out of my chest.

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I don't know how long I've been here, whether it's been hours or only just a couple of minutes. Either way it feels like an eternity to me. I've been crying, so much so that I can't bring myself to cry even a single tear anymore. Both my heart and this room seem to be plunged into darkness.

The sky is slowly darkening, it's twilight now.

I stretch my legs out against the frozen ground and bury my face in my hands and sigh. When I lift my head up, my eyes meet two golden irises.

He came.

"Cissa?" He whispers.

"Remus" I sigh.

He kneels down in front of me and caresses my cheek with his hand.

"What happened?"

I look up at him, there is compassion and worry in his eyes, but there is fear too.

He bends over and I let him put his arms around me and place a soft kiss on my forehead.

"Please...tell me." He's almost begging me now.

"It's over Remus." I say in a breath, but with these words his embrace only becomes stronger.

"Don't say that." He quickly says in a hissing tone. "I forbid you to say that."

"He suspects something Remus. He'll know. He wants me to be his. Jealousy is consuming him Remus, he'll never let us continue this."

"I don't care, I love you Cissa, and I won't let him or anyone else come between us."

"You don't know Lucius like I do, It's too late. He..."

I can't go on. His lips are on mine and he kisses me without stopping. I can feel his despair as he covers my face with small kisses. His hands caress my face and I start loosing myself in his embrace. I don't want him to let go of me.

He leans back and looks at me with a serious look on his face.

"What did he say?" He finally asks. I feel as if each word is difficult for him to say.

I look at him, my tears are refusing to fall and my eyes are stinging. How can I tell him? How can I say it to him, to him, the love of my love? I give him a look full of despair.

My voice starts cracking.

"I'm going to be his wife."

By saying those words to him I start to realize what they really mean. Narcissa Malfoy...My future name...

"No!" He shouts.

He moves back suddenly and I loose the warmth of his embrace. I can feel cold air everywhere around me. His eyebrows are furrowed with worry and his voice trembles as he starts to speak.

"Don't do it Cissa, don't say yes. I love you. You can't leave like this. You can't..."

I interrupt him. My voice is cold as if I have no feelings. I already know what he's going to ask me. I can't, I can't...I have to be strong.

"Stop it Remus. Everything has already been decided. Do you think I had a say in this? My father sold me to him. It had been decided a long time ago. You've known it since we started..."

"Leave with me."

I look at him, his voice is full of hope. His eyes are shining. He takes my hand and speaks again.

"We can leave, you and me, we'll live somewhere, far from here. Anywhere..."

My poor Remus, what a sad utopia. Just like me he knows that it's impossible, but unlike me he wants to believe in it. I haven't felt hopeful in so long that it's impossible for me to even consider running away with him.

I murmur in a soft voice, "You know as well as I do that it's not possible. I'm not Sirius, I can't do it. And he would track us down until he got what he wanted. He would know that I'm with you and..."

My panicked eyes search for his face as I can continue.

"And he would find out that you're a werewolf...He would find a way to tear us apart, no matter what we did."

"He could even kill you." I add in a small voice.

Silence takes hold in an instant. My Remus, my beautiful Remus with golden eyes falls down next to me. A tear runs down his cheek while another one follows closely behind it.

I've never seen him cry before and his sobs are breaking my heart, but I must be strong. If I'm not Lucius will kill him, I know it. Snape knows about Remus and I and if I mess up he'll tell Lucius everything. I must be strong for Remus.

"We have to stop seeing each other Remus, it's over."

I know that he knows this already but I needed to tell him. He's against me now and he's feverishly searching for my lips. I kiss him, like I've never kissed him. I put my entire heart, my entire soul in that one kiss, our goodbye kiss.

"I love you," he whispers. "Remember that. Never forget that I love you, My Cissa..."

"Please, Remus, let me go. If you love me, just let me go. Don't make this more difficult." 

I stand up and stare at him until he lets go of my hand.

"I'll never forget you , you'll always be in my thoughts."

"Don't say that." I whisper as I look into his warm eyes for the last time. My ray of sunshine...

He's suffering, I can see it in his eyes. He's suffering with agony, but he promised that he'd let me go.

"Never forget that I love you," I say in one breath, then I turn on my heel and start walking away.

Outside the sun has disappeared leaving behind nothing but darkness.

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I never told him but he understood that we would never see each other again. That same night I left Hogwarts and I went to Lucius who was waiting for me. He had always been in love with me, and had never really hurt me.

I've always been passive. I'm the type of woman who's submissive to her husband. In despair I've let him introduce me into the word of the Dark Lord, I didn't really have a choice. The golden eyes that used to fill my thoughts and dreams have finally disappeared. I never hear about him.

I'm nothing now. 

That day I lost everything, Remus, hope, love...

I didn't die, I just stopped living.


End file.
